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20131130
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screens i always tell the doctor forget one finger, use the whole hand. that way i won't have to come back for five years. called the five finger discount. and folks, i will not be out sweep swepted by the "today show". (applause) >> thank you. known no one has ever applauded for my prostate before. thank you. so nation, scrub up, scrub in, strap on and strap in because i'm about to get my own prostate check in stephen colbert's november sweeps prostacular. jimmy, juice it! >> november sweep prostacular. >> stephen: nation, welcome to the prostacular. gentlemen, bring out the privacy curtain, let's do it, guys. all right. nation, any newsman can get some old doctor to stick his digital up your analog. but sweeps is all about guest stars. >> did someone say guest stars? (cheers and applause) stars, john lithgow, john, i got to ask you, john, what are you doing here? >> stephen, i'm here to examine your prostate. (laughter) as research for an acting role. >> stephen: oh, what's the play? >> the glass menagerie. (laughter) >> stephen: now folks, that's a guest star. >> guest star, did someone
to deliver food, water and medicine. >> the u.s. also providing $20 million in immediate aid. >> folks, america takes alot of slack just because we spy on our ali, invade countries on hunches and threaten to tank the global economy as a fund-raising tool. but face it, when the [bleep] goes down the world needs heroes, nobody says thank gods the belgians are here. oh, i hope they brought us some waffles. (laughter) nation, this makes me proud to be an american. to know that my tax dollars are going to help people if i pay taxes. i have an excellent accountant. he said if a shell ter, i think the feel pooens. >> america has put our money where our mouth s the boots on the ground and hads in the air like we just do care. can't say the them thing about so-called superpower china. >> china getting a bit of criticism. they've been in a long-term dispute, a land dispute, but guess what they're only giving $100,000. >> wow apparently the chinese symbol for crisis is also the one for bite me. seriously, the nation of china pledged only $100,000. i bet the colbert nation could give more than tha
Ë bxb$,℠,x >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow at 11:00, here is your moment of zen. >> i'm going to i is a for the last time that the gentlemen on the left be removed and ask the officer to remove. if i see one pore example of that, i will ask you all to be removed. captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause). >> stephen: boo, boo. khrapbt(audience chanting "step) oh, i love it! welcome to "the report." good to have you with us. all right, folks. folks, i've got to say -- (cheers and applause) i cannot thank you enough. you know, as i sit here -- (cheers and applause) folks, as i sit at my desk night after night, you know it's not easy to do this job. and i want to thank you. your attempt to lift my spirits are appreciated but in vain. (laughter) i'm just too angry. i mean, maybe if you shouted "i love you steven." (audience complies. ) i don't know. (laughter) maybe if you whispered it. (audience complies) (laughter) folks, but no, no, i'm just -- i'm just too mad about obamacare, folks. (laughter) you see, the rollout has been one disaster after the nex
us "tonight-mare". good evening every-bone. >> thank sign. >> frankenstein. folks as you can tell i loved hallows eve, it is only time of year when children bring buckets of candy right to your house. they ring the bell, then hold up their buckets for you to help yourselves, and then later that night they bring you free eggs and toilet paper. >> only america. >> but when it comes to halloween there are some real grinches out there, sometimes after a night of trick or treating you get an apple with a raiser blade in it, shatter filing, i could cut myself making a bong out of it. this is the war on halloween. >> facing a lot of tv folk are in the halloween spirit today. just this morning, i saw kelley ripa dressed as miley cyrus. and george stephanopoulus went as a tiny astronaut which i believe makes him america's entire space program. i, of course, am dressed as a sexy hobo who got a work ethic, pulled himself up by his own boot straps and then got a tasty makeover. but, folks, on today's, the today show today, halloween died. when anchor matt lauer dressed up as my waking nightmare
join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> lhota warns new yorkers they are about to elect a mayor who has a habit of oversleeppedding. >> what do you call it sleep >> stephen: tonight obama's latest attack on religious freedom, you can no lodge presence for preexisting naughtiness then can we trust what we read on the internet. i've got one weird trick that will help you find out. >> and going behind the scenes at fox news, i wonder how much peanut put ter takes to make fresh bear look like he's talks. >> they say halfway around the world a lie before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. why does the truth have its pants off. this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, good to you have with us. nation,. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen, please, sit down. folks, nation, the big news continues to be the slow motion train wreck that is the
with us! i love you. i love you, nation! thank you so much. ladies and skbre -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. your love is like the rising sun and i'm a little rosebud opening before you. folks, as you know, the united states is the world's policeman. that's why we eat so many doughnuts it. but apparently you cannot police six billion people these days without getting a few complaints. >> the u.s. getting blasted today. all because of drones. >> two international human-rights groups say that they have new evidence that u.s. drone strikes have killed dozens of civilians in pakistan and yemin. >> u.s. drone strikes could amount to war crimes. >> stephen: war crimes if? no. (laughter) technically we haven't declared war on those countries. (laughter) they're just crimes. besides, i think we've made it clear that these drone attacks are done with surgical precision. because the best way for a surgeon to remove your appendix is by hell fire missile. (laughter) we may have vaporized your liv
. business host and mad al toussae circumstances wax figure john stossel reminded us why the lady its should pay more. >> you ought to be able to charge people who use the services more, more. >> women go to the doctor much more often than men. maybe they're smarter or maybe they're hypochondriacs, they live longer, who knows. >> stephen: yeah, lady, ladies, come on. ladies, ladies love going to the doctor. who knows why. maybe they're pretending they're extras on "grey's anatomy". i don't know. they're suckers for that stuff. at fox news chief urologist dr. david sumati gives us a real world example of the lady's doctor addiction. >> that's not-- she is sees her doctor, when was the last time you went to seat doctor. >> twoiers ago. >> exactly. >> and you. >> i have had lyme disease for the last ten days. >> so that's what happens, so you are basically paying for it. >> that's what happens. women get bitten by an insect, they get lyme disease am a pan gets bitten by an insect, he becomes a superhero. not fair. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: not fair. and folks it's no wonder the brown ha
for joining us. folks, can i have your attention? please, can i have your attention? (laughter) i have a major announcement to make. i don't like barack obama. (laughter) there, i said it. where do i find the courage? i tell you why, folks, the man is a liar. remember how he sold us obamacare? >> if you like your insurance plan, you will keep it. >> stephen: but now millions of americans have had their coverage ripped from them. i believe it's the plot of "taken 3." (laughter) first it was his daughter, then his wife, now they've taken his health plan. (laughter) i have particular set of skills. yes, i'll hold. well, folks, we finally got the hard numbers on obamacare's disastrous first month. stop, hemmer time. >> fox's alert now. we get our first look at the obamacare enroll. numbers and this has a long way to go. "wall street journal" reports fewer than 50,000 americans successfully signed up. >> stephen: 50,000! to put that into perspective, that is fewer people than watch "up late" with alec baldwin. (laughter) just look at the numbers, folks. there are 48 million uninsured americans. t
in the middle east. someone might bomb israel and then they'd have to use their nukes! (laughter) fortunately, the deal was stopped by our closest ally. >> france says forget it, no deal. >> the french just said look, pause, forget it. we want to halt the entire program. >> france was the country to stand up and say no to this. they said the deal was too easy on tehran. >> stephen: yes, france! the country that put the oui in "we give up." (laughter). (cheers and applause) folks, of the six-nation team -- we love it. we love france. (laughter) of the six-nation team negotiating with iran, only france had the escargots to say non and you know it was a band deal if france is turning down a six-way. (laughter) french foreign minister and butler in a grey poupon ad laurient fabius said "the agreement was too easy on tehran. one wants a deal but not a sucker's deal." and, folks, france know's a sucker's deal. they're the ones who sold us louisiana. (laughter) we should have saved the receipt. now our president's been outtoughed but the french. that's like being outsoberred by toronto mayor rob for
"inequality for all" robert reich. mr. reich, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) you were on the show about three years ago sounding the alarm warning if we didn't do something it would tank economy or cause a revolution. three years later i'm richer than ever. i assume you're back here to apologize. >> no, i didn't tell you exactly when it would tank the economy and cause a revolution. i said if we continue in the same direction it's dangerous for the economy and dangerous for our democracy and i still think it is very dangerous. >> stephen: how did it cause an economic collapse? i don't understand why me having all the money is a bad thing. >> most americans, the vast middle-class and the poor don't the purchasing power to the economy going which is why this recovery is the most anemic recovery on record. >> stephen: how long until this reaches a crisis point? if we hold off long enough i may have enough money to start my own economy and blow this one off. >> well, some people are so wealthy that they are leaving the united states and they are setting up tax havens abroa
>> jon: that's our show, join us torjs here is your moment of zen. >> i have had a lot of people ask me for hugs. a lot of people. >> will you get your hugs later, brother. >> i guess there is open bar >> stephen: whooo! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: feel the electricity in the room right now, oh, thank you so much. they are a live wire! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: this room is so electrickically charged right now, i wish i was wearing rubber pants. now folks thank you for coming to the show. thank you for joining us. good to have you here and i'm sorry to bring you bad news. but ladies and gentlemen, america has lost another battle in the culture war. which is surprising because we've got all the guns. (laughter) this time the battlefield is comic books. and folks,s that saddens me because i'm a fan. they have everything i love. colourful pictures, and a lack of grammar. hulk mash, stephen like. and tonight, folks, i go
[cheers and applause] >> hey, everybody. thank you for joining us. that's our show. tomorrow night at 11:00 i can't even tell you how excited i am, mr. bill cosby. [cheers and applause] that's a generous audience right there because you know what they don't get to say. here it is your moment of zen. >> is this political correctness gone too far? kevin? >> it doesn't deserve a comment. >> captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, the president does damage control on obamacare. if you like your burst appendix, you can keep it. (laughter) then scandal surrounds a popular clothing line. apparently spanx is not an invitation. and my guest, steve mcqueen is director of the film "12 years a slave." it's the harrowing story of a non-superhero movie being made in hollywood. (laughter) butterball warns there may be a turkey shortage. apparently they were caught off guard by this whole thanksgiving thing. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "ste
is now set-- bad at using technology to extend life, good at using technology to end it. (audience reacts) and this failure goes beyond the web site, folks. remember, the president repeatedly said "if you like your plan, you can keep it." but now millions of plans are being canceled. so last week, the president held a press conference to address the problem. jim? >> oh, the humanity! >> stephen: no, no, no! jim, no, wrong disaster. (laughter) you know what? you know what? i think cnn's the don lemon put obama's public implosion into the proper perspective. >> you won't find two politicians who've had worse weeks than president obama and toronto mayor rob ford. they've had a pretty bad week. (audience reacts) president obama saying sorry over and over for his so-called signature achievement, obamacare, rob ford admitting to be a crack smoker. (audience reacts). >> stephen: yes, obama is in the same tight spot as toronto's crack-smoking mayor. i mean, the parallels are everywhere, folks. both had press conferences-- and that's it. (laughter) but, folks, comparing the first black president t
[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 1:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> jon s >> stephen: tonight, a florida congressman is arrested. even more shocking, some florida congressmen weren't. then, controversy at the winter games. someone finally said it-- luge and bobsled are the same thing! ( laugh ) and my guest tonight is m.i.a. will somebody find her? the show a about to start. amsterdam is paying alcoholics beer to clean the street. but you know they're just going to spend that beer on weed. this is the "colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. ( cheers and applause ) good to have you with us in here, out there, all around the would. nations the holidays are upon us and she i don't know about you, but i'm ready for some trink ling lights and frosty the snowman, and walking in a winter wonderland. speaking of snow, cocaine. sad, drug-related news this week, and like most sad news, it comes from washington. jim? >> republican trey radel of florida
be used, jim? >> drones, america's number one weapon against al qaeda much but what happened when big brother brings them home. >> a new generation of surveillance drone kos soon be watching us all from overhead. >> that could be as many as 30,000 of these kind of drones. they will, in effect, bring every single backyard in america into the authorities view. >> backyards like yours. but in quiet deer trail, colorado, one courageous patriot named phil steel is fighting back. >> what i'm protesting are the principleses of freedom on which this nation is founded. who i am protecting is every american citizen. >> and how will he protect us these flying deaths. >> philip steel is a difference maker. >> deer trail is known for many things. >> deer trail, colorado, is known for its home of the first rodeo. >> it had a rodeo, the first rodeo. >> this town is known as the world's first rodeo. >> okay, just one thing. but now it's known for phil steel, a man famous for shooting for the stars. >> a lot of people just think he's -- >> i'm sorry, a what. >> if everything is going good somebody thr
, please have a set. welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us on this bright evening. nation, america was built on two things: a strong work ethic and indian bones. (laughter) but mostly the hard work. that's why as a maker i am sick of the low-dmk takers out there always asking for more. >> people who are working, they need a living wage, they can't survive off the $7 or $8 an hour. >> the minimum wage is still not a living wage. >> today the minimum wage is less than what it was in 1963. >> stephen: well, that just means the minimum wage is i haven'tage. (laughter) folks, when it comes to wages there's no company the greedy underclass loves to attack more than wal-mart. what more do you want from them in? they already gives you affordable access to plus-size kamo bathrobes. (laughter) you know, for when you feel like kicking back and hunting. (laughter) besides, wal-mart has proven they care about their low-wage workers. >> one store in ohio is collecting food for employees. the store set up some storage bins with a sign that read "please donate food items here is that asso
is attacked these guys are not going to stand and fight." >> yeah, i used to say it all the time. in the end i got quite bored of hearing my own voice saying it. >> stephen: damning testimony from the hero who was there the night of the attack. >> morgan jones scaled the 12-foot-high wall of the compound that was still overrun with al qaeda fighters. >> one guy saw me. he -- he just shouted -- i couldn't believe he'd soon me because it was so dark. he started walking towards me. >> and as he was coming closer -- >> as i got closer i just hit him with the butt of the rifle in the face. >> and? >> he went down. >> stephen: folks, what more is there to say than benghazi, benghazi, benghazi! (cheers and applause) and i'm not the only one! >> mainstream media outrage over the benghazi terror attacks but it's certainly not new for you out there, our viewers, because the wrenching report on "60 minutes" last night was filled with information fox uncovered months ago. >> i think it's great mainstream media is finally catching up. cbs did this story on benghazi and i see criticism from the left where t
you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. i got a-- ( cheers and applause ) folks. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, folks. thank you for your support. thank you for joining us on this, the last day of america, because, folks, it is all over. i am-- i am packing up and getting out of this country and moving back to south carolina. ( cheers and applause ) and here's why-- >> breaking news, senate democrats vote to approve the so-called nuclear options. >> before the democrats voted to change the rules, the nuclear option through that up, totally changed the rules. >> they changed filibuster rules to end the 60 vote threshold. >> stephen: they used the nuclear option. that will give congress radiation burns. ( laughter ) too late! ( laughter ) folks, that scared the socks off-- i'll pack my underwear suitcase later. folks, we have just witnessthe death of an american institution, the power of the minority to filibuster anything they didn't like is one of our founding principles. that's why it's not in the constitution. ( laughter ) it was going to be, but
, good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. folks, tonight -- folks, thank you. i -- i thank you. i thank you for your honoring of me tonight but, folks, i've got to tell you -- please, sit down. (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, as much -- folks, as much as i love you praising me, tonight i have to start with a praise for you, the colbert nation. because last week, folks, i called out china for donating a measly $100,000 in cash to typhoon victims in the philippines. evidently china can't relate to storm damage because their air is too thick to actually move. (laughter) folks, i was so upset that i called on you, the nation, to outdo china by texting "colbert" to 50555 to donate $10 to convoy of hope, philippines relief effort. and thousands of texts poured in-- as did one or two sex -ts. (laughter) inappropriate but appreciated. and since thursday at midnight, you have raised-- brace yourselves-- a quarter of a million dollars! (cheers and applause) that is -- hold on. (cheers and applause) that's more than $100,000. (laughter) folks, you did it. eat
to the "report," good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (audience chanting "stephen") ladies and gentlemen, folks, if you watch the show-- and i hope you do-- do you know that we at "the report" are laser focused on the truth. and that means obsessive fact checking. we check every episode and if we find a fact, we replace it with the truth. (laughter) unfortunately, folks, not all news organizations out there are up to our standards. there is a scandal tearing apart cbs news, home of edward r. murrow, walter cronkite and julie chen. (laughter) seen here reporting on the "pirates of penzance." (laughter) you see, two weeks ago, cbs news' the "60 minutes" took time off from doing in-depth buddy curls with wolverine to blow the lid off benghazi-gate. when the attacks in libya occurred, "60 minutes" was on the scene within minutes of 13 months later. (laughter) of course, fox news has been working this story for a year, having definitively proven that tragedy something something something hillary clinton. (laughter) the one thing they did not have, the one thing they lacked was a
dew. sir, you've got some very small shoes to fill. of course the bigger mayoral news comes to us out of toronto, and the drug scandal engulfing chris farley tribute mayor rob ford. after months and months of his denials, on thursday, toronto police confirmed that ford appears in a video that allegedly depicts the mayor smoking crack cocaine. but, but on the bright side-- he is personally taking crack off the streets of toronto. ( cheers and applause ) that's one less score for your kid. you're welcome. well, folks, today, mayor ford masterfully handled these growing allegations by meeting with with reporters to play 20 questions about the one question he was finally ready to answer. >> you guys have asked me a question. >> how did you-- >> you asked me a question back in may. and you can repeat that question. >> the question i asked i back in may? >> yes. you asked me a couple of questions superpower and what were those questions? >> do you smoke crack cocaine? >> exactly. yes, i have smoked crack cocaine. >> that is the kind of blunt, straightforward honesty crack smokers are kn
) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ). folks, thanks so much. you know i need to-- folks, right off the top of the show, let's get to the big story tonight, the mayoral election right here in new york city. with zero precincts reporting, as far as i bothered to research, we're prepared to name bill deblasio the next mayor of new york city beating noted kitten grinder joe lhota. mayor deblasio, i support you, and so does my 64-ounce mountain dew. sir, you've got some very small shoes to fill. of course the bigger mayoral news comes to us out of toronto, and the drug scandal engulfing chris farley tribute mayor rob ford. after months and months of his denials, on thursday, toronto police confirmed that ford appears in a video that allegedly depicts the mayor smoking crack cocaine. but, but on the bright side-- he is personally taking crack off the streets of toronto. ( cheers and applause ) that's one less score fo
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)

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